Lower Lows, Higher Highs

Welcome to Lapis Capital’s premier performance improvement plan, Lower Lows, Higher Highs. In response to your unwavering failure to meet expectations, you have been automatically enrolled in this mandatory reeducation program. Over the next 5 weeks you will face escalating profit targets, chaotic market conditions, and disruptive office events. But don’t worry, the Lower Lows, Higher Highs program will equip you with everything you need to take the profit you deserve - and more. - Stock, Commodity, and Alternative Asset Charts with independent market conditions and price action. - Predictive Continuation, Reversal, and Wildcard Patterns with real time likelihood and trade count statistics. - Rare Hero and Zero Candlesticks that provide unique effects when captured in a trade. - Synergistic KnickKnacks that multiply your trade profits -and losses- a thousand fold. - Gourmet M5 canned food rations used to bribe a human-ape hybrid into manipulating the market in your favor. - Terminal Modification Device Cartridges that personalize your workstation's capabilities and turn your cubicle into a home away from home. - Health boosting Cigarettes that experts suggest improve vitality, vigor, and verve. - Non-addictive Victory Lapis slot machine with stimulating light AND sound. - Vocational PTO token exchange program to broaden professional horizons. - Unique Employees representing a diverse array of experiences and lifestyles. - Success-celebrating Anniversary Year difficulty levels, each introducing a complimentary hazardous spin to your favorite trading tools. - Dynamic performance based Goals that preemptively correct laurel-resting evolutionary tendencies. Today marks not the end, but the beginning, of your profit-seeking journey. We look forward to your expectation compliance. Remember, here at Lapis Capital... “Profit... No Matter The Cost!” - Victor Lapis, Founder