Ass Slapper Co

ABOUT THIS GAME Hello, potential employee and/or committed Steam storefront researcher. I’m Johan Slapper, founder and CEO of Ass Slapper Co. If you are reading this, then one of two things has happened: you are considering employment with my company, or you have scrolled considerably farther down this Steam page than most people do. Either way, I respect the commitment. Allow me to explain the position. Ass Slapper Co. is a desktop companion incremental game where your real-world typing generates Employee Fulfillment and pushes you through a six-chapter corporate narrative. Work alongside Hugh Jhas, customize him and your workplace, unlock new company systems, and earn six promotions that physically transform your office as you climb from a flat 2D closet toward the 3D penthouse CEO suite. In simpler terms: Clock in. Type away. Generate Fulfillment. Get promoted. Your keyboard is part of the game. Work. Study. Write. Send emails. Browse the internet. Communicate with friends. Be productive. Or convincingly resemble productivity until the distinction becomes legally difficult to prove. Every keystroke generates Employee Fulfillment automatically. It all counts. New systems unlock. New messages arrive. New offices become available. I begin having increasingly forceful conversations with departments that have apparently developed opinions about your career trajectory. And when typing alone does not produce sufficient workplace morale? You may slap Hugh. We have worked closely with HR and invested considerably in making this interaction feel “appropriate.” WORK ALONGSIDE HUGH Hugh Jhas is one of our most dependable employees. He can remain on your desktop while you use your computer normally, allowing Ass Slapper Co. to progress alongside whatever else you are doing. You do not need to stare at Hugh. He is a professional. Choose between two ways to keep him nearby: Office Mode gives you Hugh’s complete workplace, including his office, furniture, company computer, applications, and other infrastructure I consider necessary for one employee to sit approximately three feet from a desk. Minimal Mode removes the office and keeps only Hugh on your desktop, leaving more room for your other applications. I’m told this is useful when screen space is “limited.” My first solution involved purchasing an additional monitor for every employee. Finance described this as “not a financially sound decision,” adding that “not everyone has space for a second monitor.” I reminded them that arguing with the person signing the checks is rarely financially sound either. I then proposed larger desks for everyone. The discussion remains active. TYPE TO GENERATE EMPLOYEE FULFILLMENT As you type anywhere on your computer, Employee Fulfillment increases, and your progression continues in the background. You can work, study, chat, browse, or otherwise use your computer normally while Hugh works alongside you. I have always believed that effort should result in something visible. Most companies apparently prefer annual reviews. I found that unnecessarily suspenseful. So we made the number go up immediately. SLAP YOUR WAY TO ADDITIONAL FULFILLMENT Check on Hugh whenever you like and provide some less conventional hands-on encouragement. Slapping Hugh generates additional Employee Fulfillment. Engineering informs me that each interaction is supported by responsive animation, deformation, physics, shaders, and sound effects. They were very pleased while explaining this. I understood several of the words. A surprising amount of technical work went into ensuring it feels right. I reviewed the budget. I approved it. Employees deserve quality. SPEND FULFILLMENT AND IMPROVE THE WORKPLACE Employee Fulfillment is not merely a number. It is both your progression and your currency. Generate it. Watch it accumulate. Spend it on new options for Hugh and his workplace. Improve the office, unlock customization, and gain access to additional company systems as your position within Ass Slapper Co. develops. Progress persists between sessions because I refuse to operate a company where everyone forgets what happened when they went home. That would be administratively exhausting. EARN PROMOTIONS Your career at Ass Slapper Co. unfolds across six chapters. I intend to see you through all of them. As you generate Employee Fulfillment, new messages arrive, departments become involved, and I begin the increasingly complicated process of arguing that you deserve a better position. Each chapter builds toward your next promotion. Each promotion closes one chapter, begins another, unlocks new company systems, and completely replaces your workplace with one more appropriate to your growing importance. I have never understood promotions where only the words beneath someone's name change. If your position improves, something tangible should improve with it. So we give you more office. There are six promotions in total. The first gets you out of a flat 2D closet. By the sixth, you’ll be sitting in the 3D penthouse CEO office. At that point, I will consider your employment an extraordinary success. CUSTOMIZE HUGH AND HIS OFFICE Use your progress to give Hugh and his workplace the professional presentation they deserve. Unlock new cosmetics. Change Hugh’s appearance. Customize the office. Experiment with combinations. Make questionable aesthetic decisions with complete managerial confidence. Employee morale is important. Fashion isn't required, but it is mandatory. RECEIVE COMPANY MESSAGES AND ADVANCE THE STORY As your Employee Fulfillment grows, your position within Ass Slapper Co. changes with it. New messages arrive. New responsibilities emerge. New company systems become relevant. Departments including HR, Facilities, Finance, and others may contact you through our state-of-the-art opt-in PA announcement system. When a message is available, it waits for you. Click the PA speaker when you are ready and the relevant department will deliver its announcement. I am told “opt-in” is important. Apparently people prefer announcements they have chosen to hear. Sometimes the announcement will come from me personally. Continue generating Fulfillment and eventually upper management may determine that your current position is no longer sufficient. That is when things become interesting. WHAT THE POSITION INCLUDES - Desktop companion gameplay designed to coexist with your other applications - Real-world typing generates Employee Fulfillment - Slap-based interaction that generates additional Fulfillment - Incremental progression that continues while you use your computer - A 6-chapter corporate narrative driven by your productivity and promotions - Six promotions, each unlocking a completely new office environment - Work your way from a flat 2D closet to the 3D penthouse CEO office - Become a "CEO" - Me, Johan Slapper, your eccentric founder and aggressively supportive boss - Hugh customization - Office customization - Employee Fulfillment currency used to unlock and purchase content - Company applications and systems that unlock as you advance - Opt-in PA announcements from Johan and other departments - Responsive physics, deformation, animation, shaders, and sound effects - Office Mode and Minimal Mode - Hugh I consider Hugh one of the assets included in your benefits package. He has objected to this terminology. REGARDING YOUR APPLICATION There is no interview. I dislike interviews. You simply clock in. Type. Generate Fulfillment. Improve the workplace. Check on Hugh. And, when appropriate, provide direct motivational assistance. That is Ass Slapper Co. Two cheeks. One mission. Hugh has already prepared for your arrival. Please do not make him wait unnecessarily. — Johan Slapper Founder & CEO Ass Slapper Co.